Wallpaper love.

This is a cheaper version of wall paper from wallpaper direct.  I want this for my stairs.  Its called Passion, by Harlequin.  Love.  I had to post it in my lame blog here because wallpaperdirect.com is not pinterest friendly.  Rude.  But they still get my business.  🙂

Here is the idea:




SuperMom: mastering the art of doing whats necessary

I remember reading a study that showed that on average working mothers actually spend more quality time with their children than SAHMs.   I read this before I was pregnant.  Now that I’m a working Mom, I believe it!  Seriously.   I work 4, 10 hour days.  If you include commute, I am away from my daughter about 45 hours a week, but I am with her at all other times.  I mean WITH HER.  I am not doing dishes, or weeding yards.  I am on the floor playing.  I am holding.  I am hugging.  I am kissing.  I am breast feeding.  I am sleep-snuggling.  I am with her.  I even get up at 5am and bring her into bed with me so dream feed her.  My excuse is that I am worried that she is in this weird weaning phase, and also this allows us to sleep in later.   But on days I work the truth is that I need to start out my day feeling her soft warm body against mine.  I hold that all day until I rush home and scoop her up again.  I am not able to afford help around he house.  So things go undone.  Grocery shopping.  Cleaning.  Yard work.  Paying bills.   The way I see it, if I die tomorrow I wont regret not doing those things.  I will regret unneccessry lost time.

Being a working mother is about mastering the art of doing what is necessary.  I must work.  I must figure out some way to feed us in a way I can afford.  I must do certain amounts of household chores to keep things running.  But I dont do anything else.  Not even for myself.  I would rather roll around on the floor tickling my baby, than work out.   Or anything else really.  And it’s not that I dont feel huge amounts of pressure to do it all.  The burden is mind-blowing.  But the only really limited resource in my life is time.  So I ask myself, how necessary is it?  Then I try to let it go.  Which really means that I try my best to ignore it, and try even harder not to be bothered by the fact that I cant ignore it completely.  Sometimes I think the dirty dishes literally shout at me.  When they get too loud I take baby upstairs to play.  When the laundry up there gets too loud I pile it up and hide it away in a closet.  I can still hear it, but it’s muffled.  I can hear my daughter more.  And THAT is the payoff.  Because even though she cant talk yet, she has so much to say and I dont want to miss any more than I already have to.

Now if you will excuse me I need to go pull the blinds closed because the weeds in the yards are vying for my attention, and I dont want to play with THEM.

Why dont you see ME?

So we had a conversation at the office during lunch that made me think.  What is strange about my life is that no one realizes the reality of me.  What I mean by that is that I am completely unspecial.  Average.  I’m a worker bee.  I have almost no ambition.  I don’t want to grow up to be anything.  I wanted to have a family.  Kids.  Thats it.  I have no expectation from my life otherwise.  I work for money.  I don’t really care what it is and would love not to have to do it at all.  I have no passions.  No real hobbies.  And if I have hobbies, I certainly dont want those to become the focus of my life.  I like a good book, jog or yoga session.  As soon as I HAVE to do those things to make money then they become work.  Whats the point of that? 

I should have been born 500 years ago into a small village or tribe.  I need a culture where I’m born, I am a woman or a man, I have a family with whatever station, and that is where I make my life.  Be born, grow up, make a family, die.  That to me is the essence of human experience.  It is the greatest part of the journey.  Other men can go to the moon.  Its not my purpose to further mankind in any way.  Or to aspire to greatness or legend.  What I know is that I have only so many days as ME, and I want to live it happily and simply.  For me, happiness is not found in aspirations. 

Getting back to my original point, what people see as drive in me, is really just survival.  I was born into a capitalistic society at an age where women are expected to work like men.  Everything I have done in my life is to survive, and without much choice as I see it.  I’ve done nothing great.  I am not being humble.  I simply am doing what must be done.  I’ve never had an idea of what I want to be when i grow up.  Any successes in my life must be attributed as much to happenstance as hard work. 

I am greatly misunderstood.  Some people might not respect this truth about me.  But I see it as being fairly evolved in my understanding of things.  I simply don’t struggle so hard anymore.  It took a little while to get here.  But here I am. I like the view.   the world needs its worker bees like me.  Most of the people are the same, whether they ever admit it or not.  Who is going to remember us in 400 years?  Why does it matter anyway?  Does it make us any less mortal.  Famous people in history are just like everyone else.  Dead.  Perhaps they truly lived.  Thats great.  But if someone elses definition of truly living is much simpler and less ambitious, was there any less honor in it?  I think not.

Mobile blogging

I’m testing out the wordpress blogging application. This is just a test. Beep screeeeeeeeech!



I love yoga.  I love how my body feels when I’ve practised regularly.  I love the introverted focus, the centering.  I am trying to do yoga again now that I am almost 3 months post partum and I notice how my body has changed from the pregnancy.  Mostly my stomach and sides are stiff when trying to do backbends, and then I cant do the forward bends very well.   The backs of my legs are so stiff.  It makes sense as I’ve had a big belly in the way of bending forward for a long time.  Anyway, I feel like yoga is letting me reaquiant myself with this new post baby body.  Pregnancy has changed me in so many ways, permanently.  Its like having a new body.  The body of a true woman.   I want to get to know it .  Respect it.  Care for it.  It has done such a miracle.

Real Live Doll

Thank god for the weekends.  The time with Babygirl literally fills me up like an empty cup.  Then my ‘levels’ evaporate off through the week until Thursday when I hit bottom and feel so empty and cry dropping her off at the sitters.  I drag through Thursday, and Friday should be just as hard but I’m so excited to be almost done with the week that it’s a little better.  And then the cycle begins again.  I forgot to mention what seems to have become the traditional Monday morning routine, crying as I shut the bedroom door on my sleeping family and drag my ass out to the car to go to work.  ugh. 

Yesterday I got together with some Jr. High/Highschool friends.  Well not just any friends.  Tammy was a ‘good’ friend and Shari was my best friend for like 5 years.  We’ve become a little estranged.  Tammy is amazing.  She was the prettiest, nicest most naive girl.  She is the only one of all of us that actually waited to be married to have sex.  She is very catholic.  She married right out of college and currently has 4 kids.  Her oldest is 10, the youngest only 3 weeks older than Cadence.  She is an amazing mother and seems so satisfied and happy.  I’m glad for her.  Shari is still trying to find the right guy, having been divorced once.  I sincerely hope she does as she wants to be a mother too, and I want that for her.  Being with these girls made me reflect more on how much I’ve changed since becoming pregnant.  Thank GOD!!!  Heres what I wrote in my personal blog:

[i]When I was a little girl I loved playing with dolls.  They were my babies.  When I got older I played Barbies, but my dolls were never far away, nor were they forgotten.  I also had this empty feeling inside me.  I thought a little sister would fill it.  When my sister came along this didn’t happen.  I confused the issue thinking it was because she was so different from me.  I’d been looking for a sister more like me.  Hmmm.  A twin!  Perhaps I had been a twin and she died.  Perhaps this feeling is a longing for her?  Then I became best friends with twins that didn’t get along and I modified that to:  perhaps I was meant to be one of you.  Maybe there was a cosmic accident and I was sent to the wrong body?  In the end I had simply… an emptiness.  An ache.  Something was profoundly missing.

Three months ago I gave birth to my baby girl.  The emptiness is gone.  I am 35 years old and I have finally filled the hole in my soul that I remember having since I was 3 years old.  I was meant, my whole life, to be a mother.  I have never felt so full.  So satisfied.  So complete.  My life has come full circle.   I play with a real live doll.  Only this one looks, feels and smells perfect.  This one is actually growing up.  Shes the ultimate hobby.  She is my reason for being.[/i]

I really have no other ambitions in life.  If that makes me simple or dull, I don’t mind.  Just like Tammy, my happiness is in my home, with my family, in every smile my daughter gives me.  I will work to preserve it, and I will cry every time I have to leave it.  Its all that matters.

Sushi and Rolling Over

Weds night was my company’s delayed holiday party at a sushi restaurant.  I left work early so that I could drive home, get ready, pack up my family, and get back to Boulder by 6pm.  During the day Matt had informed me that Cadence was not napping.  She was obviously tired and would not go to sleep.  She was getting cranky.  The typical tricks of feeding her a little more than usual or bathing her did not work.  I came home to a VERY tired and grumpy baby.  All she wanted to do was fall asleep breast feeding, but we had a party to attend.  Lucky me I came home to a pair of grumpies.  She screamed bloody murder when I dressed her in her party clothes.   Quite frankly, Matt’s mood wasn’t much better.  After a full day of work, coming home to 2.5month and 40 year old temper tantrums did me in.  I was so close to just not going.  But we went.  I was in tears on the way in to town multiple timesfrom being tired and hormonal but I held myself together.  Cadence napped 20 minutes in the car and that is apparently all it took.  She and her Daddy did 180’s for the party, turning on the charm.  I felt like a zombie and never did manage to fully join the festivities.  We sat in a Japanese style tearoom.  It’s a room, that is like a sunken four-sided booth, with walls.  Once seated you are stuck unless everyone else gets out first.   So we passed Cadence around the table in order for interested parties to hold her.  I passed her to Pierrick on my left, who passed her to Brandon, who passed her to Sarah, who passed her to Andy, and so on through Paul and Holly until she reached Chesley who held her for a while.  Then she passed her to Bahman who passed her to Luke, who passed her to Kim who held her for a while, finally passing her to Matt and eventually to me again.  Cadence was fine with this.  Although blearily tired, she enjoyed people watching and cracked many smiles.  She had a melt down the entire drive home,  and  then once home fell asleep breast feeding immediately.  So much for Mommy quality time.  Still I was so proud of her and everyone just adores her.

The next day was a “Donna Day.”  I dropped her off with Donna with her still in her party clothes.  She managed to wake up enough to smile at me when I put her in the car seat.  I had a hard time leaving her as I had to share her the entire previous evening.  I told Donna that when she has days like the day before, where she doesn’t nap, she usually makes up for it the next day.  Now here is where I’m taking liberties as the author to complain.  When I accepted the fact that I had to work full time, I knew the cost would be time with my daughter.  I knew that I would miss a lot of milestones.  It’s a knife through my heart.  Sure enough, during the day with Donna she rolled over a couple of times.  She apparently curls up into a fetal position, rolls onto her side, and then when she straightens her legs she falls forward onto her belly with her arm trapped under her.  I missed this.  Instead I heard about it from my husband who heard about it from the babysitter.  This made me grumpy and I rushed home to see her after work to find her sleeping.  Thats right.  She made up her lost sleep during MY hours.  She essentially slept the entire night.  I tried to let her alone but by 9:30pm I was dying for her!  I scooped her up and fed her but she never woke up.  I held her and snuggled her the whole night but she never woke up enough to acknowledge me.  Of course I want her to sleep.  But I hate it.  I miss her.  The last 2 days I only got her when she was screaming or unconscious.  Thrilling.  Oh well. 

So for week 10 milestones, besides the rolling over, she has become more snuggly.  It really started developing once I returned to work, but she will now let you hold her facing toward you for longer periods of time, and she rubs her face on my shoulder sometimes snuggling in to my neck for a minute or two.  It’s adorable.  I suppose it is a type of consolation prize for me.   Also, although I seem to only get her when she’s sleeping, she is so beautiful when she sleeps.  The other morning she just took our breath away.  Matt was trying to put it to words, which is so hard.  He said that she is just so perfect, so soft and pretty that she glows.  I couldn’t have described it better.  If angels are real, then this is what they look like.

Couth is for ladies…

Toxic Tan

Yesterday at work I was so grumpy.  This winter has been heinously cold.  I’m feeling frumpy.  I left my sweet baby with a sitter and had to come in to work.  I was just plain depressed.  I opened my email and saw that a local tanning bed place was having a free tan special.  Now I’m not one to abuse my skin, but I thought 10 minutes of fake sun might be just what the doctor ordered!  It was nice and toasty, I defrosted.  And being free, I was thrilled.  No regrets.  Ok.  ONE regret:  Never EVER fart in a tanning booth.  There is no where for it to go.  It just stays in there with you and heats up.  I came out nasty-fart-infused.  Not recommended.

Where have I been?

Crazy Mom's Unite!


Sorry about that long hiatus.  I was finishing up baking and delivering a baby.  Yup, my little girl was born on Halloween!  Its taken me two months to figure out this motherhood thing and now I’m back at work.  Shitty.  I work 4 ten hour days, Tuesday-Friday.  My husband is home Tuesday, Wednesday and Fridays, and we havea babysitter for Thursdays.  Its not my dream situation but it could be worse.  My Mondays home with her make it a lot more tolerable.

So Baby is 10 weeks old.  What a TRIP.  Seriously.  Like first, how does a 10 pound baby possible create a 30 pound bag of dirty diapers..weekly?!  Also, who started this rumor about breast feeding and weight loss?  Whoever you are, fuck you.  I’m at the end of a very strict diet two week diet, 10 weeks post partum, and I still cant squeeze into most of my pre-baby wardrobe.  My poor boobs are working overtime.  You need to have disclaimers like:  breast feeding will help you lose the weight OVER A PERIOD OF 6 to 8 MONTHS.  For poor saps like me that must return to work after only 2 months, we are screwed.  Also all these blogs I’ve visited with women who are so pretty and ‘with it’ and have infants but still find the time to make handmade meals 3  times a day, do craftsy projects, clip coupons and have a spotless house are BULLSHIT.  You are liars every one of you.  I challenge you to a duel.  Or a catfight.  Or something, because I have spent too much time feeling bad about myself until I realized that YOU LIE.  Right now my usually-clean house is a disaster.  I have dishes piled up, I have laundry in every corner, up until a bright sunny day with the right lighting I even had baby shit all over the wall by the changer.  Oh, and my shower is now resembling a petri dish.  You should see the fungus samples I have growing in there!  There is a fungus amongst us.  Tangent.  Oh yes.  I have a lot of those as my darling bundle of joy has no routine and my sleep pattern is erratic at best.  Am I complaining?  No.  But dont expect Mrs. Nice-guy.  I need at least 8 hours of sleep to successfully employ tact. 

What we need around here is a Motherhood Blog that is FOR REAL.  The Martha Stewart Wannabes will secretly read it while pretending that it doesn’t apply to them.  Sh’yeah.  Right.  Hey ‘Martha,’ you have something on your cheek.  Is it just me or does it look like baby shit?

Generic Boat Curry

Here is a great example of a flexible recipe for curry when on a boat.  I got it from the Trouser Rollers, on their cruising blog.        http://www.callipygia600.com/index.htm  Who knows what  provisions you will have available?  The only thing you really need is curry spicing, and anything else you have available can go into the pot.  It’s a great recipe for the fresh fish you are catching…

Ingredients per serving:
  • 1/3 – ½ cup rice
  • Twice amount of lightly salted water as there is rice
  • 2T oil
  • 1 medium onion, cut up
  • 1-2 Tbsp curry powder or paste
  • 1 tsp each of cumin, turmeric, coriander, ginger, etc. if available and liked
  • 4-8 oz meat or fish if available (fresh or canned) if not then canned chick peas or other bean
  • 1/3 cup liquid ( best with milk, yoghurt, coconut milk, or fruit juice)
  • ½ can chopped tomatoes or 1 large fresh tomato chopped
  • 2 or more different root or cruciferous veggies, cut into chunks (fresh or canned)
  • 1 leafy green veg (fresh or canned)
  • 2 different kinds of fruit (fresh, canned or dried) cut up if necessary
  • Seasoning (salt, pepper, Thai fish sauce, brown sugar, anything you like) to taste
Steps for Preparation:
  1. In saucepan put rice and salted water. Bring to rolling boil. Cover and remove from heat and let sit to conserve gas.
  2. In different saucepan or frypan big enough to hold everything, brown onion and meat (if fresh–except hold fish to step 6) over high heat, stirring, about 10 minutes.
  3. Add curry powder and other spices, and fry, stirring, 5 more minutes.
  4. Add liquid and tomatoes, bring to boil stirring. Stir in remaining seasoning.
  5. Add remaining veggies (except leafy) if fresh. Add fruit. Cover pan, reduce heat to low and cook about 15 minutes, stirring a few times. Cook until veggies and fruit are barely fork tender. Add leafy veggies if fresh and cook covered an additional 10-15 minutes. [If everything is canned, skip this step.]
  6. Add canned items (and fresh fish if being used) and cook covered 5-10 minutes until hot through and all ingredients are fork tender.
  7. If curry is too runny, let cook (boil) over high heat with lid off until liquid is reduced to manageable amount.
  8. Turn off heat, cover the curry, and let sit 15-30 minutes before eating.
  9. Serve with the rice which should have softened up while you cooked the curry. If rice is not tender, or still watery, cook an additional 5-10 minutes. Add a little more water if necessary to keep from sticking to bottom of pan.

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